Wednesday, February 8, 2017

BEYOND SURVIVING

OCD is no longer distressing me as deeply.

I've very nearly completely stopped writing down reassurances to myself when I have an intrusive thought: I can now see the reality that if I'd trodden on a needle, the needle would be there on the ground or stuck in my shoe, plus when a gang of heckling teenagers targeted me while I was busking, I trusted that I was capable of protecting myself (even though I felt mixed up and exhausted afterwards). I continue to ask Jan for reassurance that I haven't been hurt or contaminated, but having cut down dramatically on compulsively 'writing down' feels like a significant achievement.

I also went with an urge to start throwing away years worth of personal letters and other bits of correspondence in favour of just keeping the items which bring back happy memories: Files of the stuff have been lurking in dark corners weighing me down.

A male student I was teaching accidentally brushed past my chest while we were alone, which triggered memories of being alone with abusive men. Momentarily, it was tricky to separate out this past trauma from the reality of the present while trying to concentrate on teaching, but I managed.

Nightmares of being raped / of throwing my beloved tortoise at a wall; of fires igniting all around me; of my personal space being invaded by a house full of kids, have been plaguing me a lot - possibly because I'm edging out of my comfort zone and much more 'good' is happening: I've taken the risk of returning to my spiritual home - Paris, for three weeks in March, and am playing with other musicians again. I'm terrified it's all going to fail, but at least I feel alive.

Online yoga nidra for sleep is helping me with my racing thoughts, and I've had some really good sleeps recently as a result.

Doing intensive ERP has taken a back seat for now as I need to focus on finding more paid work, but so long as I can keep my OCD 'under the radar' with breathing properly, counselling, gardening and yoga, I'm fine with that.

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